Pain had been lingering in the body for a few weeks. After several days of rest and self care, I decided to seek a real way out.
And here’s how the healing occurred…
I looked to a wonderful, wise homeopath who shared with me a hugely important lesson that I had been studiously ignoring: the impact emotions have on feelings of dis-ease in the body. (When people feel emotional pain, the same areas of the brain get activated as when people feel physical pain: the anterior insula and the anterior cingulate cortex.)
A consultation with this magic woman, standing up in a health shop, shedding, talking, expelling, followed two nights later by a lone Sunday night fire ceremony and we have dealt with any pain in the body. Fire is symbolic of ritual purification and death. Old habits, associations, illusions are dispelled through fire.
When I told Fiona that I needed a homeopathic remedy, she instinctively asked (separate to pain in my body) ‘So what is going on with you?’ She wanted to know in general. So out it spilled. She asked would I write this ‘story’ down and I said well it has many facets. Immediately she saw that it was not the right idea for me. It would only complicate the story. She knew somehow that a fire ceremony would resonate with me. And it did. I told her that I had done a fire walk 3 years ago which had been a profound transformatory experience.
She gave me the instructions. Which included not to burn the place down! Before coming to the fire circle, I created the offering, a small stick. This “spirit arrow” represented several issues – something that needs to be honored in order for you to let go of it. The offering served to focus my attention in active meditation.
I gathered the wood when David was out all that day. I stocked up on things to burn and put them in an old metal round container and kept them downstairs in the workshop til night fell. I sat under a huge oak tree, I chanted, I stared at the moon, loved seeing a shooting star, stared into the fire, seeped in its glorious light, breathed in the eucalyptus and huddled beneath the sky wrapped in a big blue blanket.
I spoke directly to the fire. I told the fire my fears, my anger, the injustice done to my father, the pain it has caused my family, the truth. Shit got real. Somehow I re-defined my own true role in my life.
I always define myself as a lawyer, a yoga teacher, a poet, a performer. ALL of this seemed like bullshit all of a sudden. Yes I DO these things – awesome! but that is not who I am. I am not my Dad’s legal advisor, that is not my role. I am his daughter, his loving daughter, who wishes to be there to support him in whatever way he needs me.
I am wife to David.
I am Mother.
Wow, I clearly saw my true roles emerge.
I spoke for a long time about victimhood, justice, so it goes. I spoke of fear. I spoke of our material project. All of which dissipated as soon as it had arisen, so suddenly like it went with the shooting star.
I sat in awe at the discovery upon me. There was no pain, no rushing, just a feeling of calm, of presence, of me, the real me. ‘You are unlimited.’ I learned.
Baby was quiet in the womb when I was done. (a rare occurrence). He seemed also at peace with my new found identity as I sat enveloped in the dying embers and watched so much shit disappear.
I thought about the wizard, beautiful guide that had assisted me to call in all my ancestors, in this huge shift. I sprinkled blessings everywhere and sat for another half an hour in joy, and gratitude for all that I AM.
Over a week later and the Moon in Scorpio emphasises the emotions and intensifies our regenerative capabilities. Balancing the rising of the Phoenix with the letting go of material projects, we have become strongly associated with the mystic life force in its critical phases of transformation – birth, sex, and death. A break through.
Rolling since then with this solid, strong presence that has arisen. I now know that I will be here for my tribe. Raw. Honest. Unplugged. True. Not as someone I think I should be but as wife, daughter, mother, sister, friend.