There is always some hesitation for me in writing personal posts here as it is created for our imminent Avondale Retreat Centre. However, these are changing times in this time-space continuum and “the future of communication is the future of the evolution of the human soul.” And so I am called to write. Life is expanding, every breath is a chance to be reborn, our family is to become three, we are living where we wish to express ourselves from truly. So here it is…
I have spent the last 38 weeks in a state of relaxed awareness of the growing life inside. People keep asking me if I am excited and I suppose in my own introverted way I am. However, I feel more calm, centred, emotional and in a constant state of awe at the changes my body is undergoing.
Not just my body, my whole being. Excitement is not really an accurate description. I feel my body and my heart more than ever, as if on a healing and intuitive journey.
Never before have I had time to contemplate the sky, the sunrise, the trees swaying in the breeze, the sun shining in my window, as I do now. I have never lived this much enveloped in dazzling nature, in tune with the beat of mother earth, in an embodiment of light encased by a new soul.
For a few weeks from 30 to 35 weeks pregnant, the oxytocin was heavily overflowing. I knew that I could either love passionately, scarily or push it away. David felt it too. I thought we might drown him. Increasing, to almost over pour…. so much love beaming from my belly, there like a permanent smile radiating out and permeating I feared to saturation point. How strongly I felt it and was reminded of the sacred nature of growing a heart, a human, new life.
However, I became super vulnerable for those few weeks and I chose to put my own heart on the line too. I let David know that I needed him. This is not something I have ever felt the need to do. Being the overly independent Irish woman that needs no help, no support.
But this wasnt like any love I’d ever felt before. It was love AND an overflow. I wasnt used to it. It was something out of the ordinary. And so I asked.
The first moment I knew for sure that there was a baby growing in there… I let it be. I didnt take any tests for a few days. I sat with the idea that conception had occurred. It was 5 days later on a sunday morning (I let the weekend roll by as normal). It was 5am.
I looked at myself in the mirror holding a positive pregnancy test in my hand and glowed. I had had a feeling for a few days that something unusual was going on. I smiled the biggest smile at myself in the mirror before I had even told David. It was such an exquisite moment.
First because I KNEW you were there and second because you had chosen to be there. We had invited you in. I felt you circling the stars for a long time before you became a little growing spirit baby. You are so welcome.
As we surrender into the final weeks of pregnancy, I almost already anticipate the loss of this joy of carrying you so close to my heart, one strong beat inside another. And yet it is with anticipation that I prepare your cloth diapers, wash the baby grows that we have been gifted and await the day that I welcome you into this world; our world that we have purposely created and manifested in all its glory to serve our lives here.
The rite of passage of your transition from womb to world. We are using second hand, gifted, knitted, handmade items as we are lucky enough to have everything we need without buying things and are conscious of eco babying wherever possible. (another post altogether!)
For now, I am embracing the wilderness each day. It is allowing me to cherish each moment to its fullest. The forests call now with their lush green and I visit the grotto often, lighting candles. I take long baths and enjoy the richness of waiting steadily for something to happen.
Loving the water of mother earth where you will be birthed. I take naps and guide myself in stretches and meditations to give you most room where you need it, letting you spread your limbs as I open mine, in readiness, and at ease.
“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering its a feather bed.”
– Terence McKenna